my random thoughts...

We hear a lot about nationals of UAE. Though some of us have been staying in UAE we seldom get a chance to be with them and to talk to them and know more about them. I am not sure of how it was for others. But for me it was like that. I had never directly interacted with a “local” of UAE. At my new workplace I meet up with the locals daily. Local women to be precise. And they are not as we think and imagine. Very down to earth and very friendly and making me feel very much at home. We got to discuss our personal lives with each other. And that’s when I realized, no matter where we come from or how we are brought up, and no matter to which culture we belong, end of the day girls are girls and women are women. There is nothing beyond that and there is nothing before that. The way we think, the way we adapt and adjust, the way we accept and expect are all the same. If not entirely the same, very similar would be the right word.

A few weeks back, there was an anonymous comment on my blog that I need to delete my blog entries because I would otherwise become a role model for many who is going through similar things that I had gone through. At first, I wanted to delete it off, but then I felt that a good writer is he who can take up the criticisms positively. So, I kept it right there. Then I wanted to reply to it. But time didn’t permit me and I got busy with the little things in my life. Sorry to you, O Anonymous Commenter for not replying to your precious comment. No, I am not sarcastic here. You are someone great because you made me think about my blog for two-three nights continuously. And thanks to you!

If I am becoming a role model then definitely it’s a thing of great pride for me. But as you said, yes! I don’t want to be a negative role model for anyone especially young girls and women. But definitely I would say here, that I never wrote that blog to impress anyone or to inspire anyone. I got into blogging with a lot of other reasons in my mind. But when I thought of what should my first entry, I wanted it to be about something that I have endured personally.

Well, going away from that, I happened to read “The Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini. I think the book went on with my current mood. Beautifully written. It made me wonder not just about Afghanistan, but about those civilians in the war zones all around the world. How tough their life might be. In our day to day life, we do hear a lot about wars and crime. But definitely, we don’t hear anything about the actually misery, we just hear what the leaders say.

Coming back to book, there are many such Maryams and Lailas not just in Afghanistan but around the world. There are bad men like Rasheed and Jalil. And there are good men too, like the Tariqs and the Babi. Yeah, there are good and bad around the world. And God makes us meet both good and bad people to see how we act and react.

One Night @ The JJ

There I am…back at JJ…thoughts going back to JJ….trying to break free from JJ….trying to move away from JJ…

It was a moonlit night….all I remember is myself panting…running…breathing hard…climbing the steps of JJ….and opening the door and running to the bathroom…I didn’t know what to do….pee…puke…or just not do anything…or do everything in one go…

Memories…some cherished…some haunted…some coming back often when you don’t want them to…

The recent one was when I saw the land cruiser…the black cruiser….and it simply drifted back to JJ…something that I have been trying to shut out…so that it doesn’t catch me…so that it doesn’t come back to haunt me day and night….

I remember it clearly…as if it had happened just yesterday night…where I had gone for a community gathering….and I enjoyed it so much that I didn’t know how fast the clock ticked….it was better there than the life at JJ….but when the community meeting got over there I stood…suddenly realizing that the sun has said goodbye and gone to rest….and there I was all alone to face the life at JJ….and I went out slowly…or quickly I don’t know…but I went….and went outside to the bus stop….no, not to catch thee bus….I was new to the city….new to the life of JJ….so I didn’t know which bus to take and which not to take….so I waited for the auto….but I was stuck….no autos came….if at all it came it was full of ladies and kids and men going off quickly to get back home before the moon came out….and I stood there all alone….silently praying for the auto to arrive….and I stood and I stood in those lonely hours of night….

There were people still loitering around…some staring at me…some walking by not even noticing me….this poor soul of JJ….and there I was…all scared…but standing bold….as if I have nothing to fear….but I had to get back to JJ….the JJ….and I stood again…waiting….that night just to test my luck a political meeting was also going on….and so the auto stand had no autos as the meeting was going on near that auto stand….and there I stood again….to get back to JJ….

The meeting had got over by thirty minutes past six….and there I stood till thirty minutes past eight….two hours all alone in the dark to get back to JJ….the not so good JJ….and I stood and I stood…finally when I realized that I must move on from there, I called my guardian angel….the devilish angel….but the guardian angel in front of all….but the devil…the devil as an angel…the devil the devil the devil….no my guardian angel…the guardian angel for whom I had stayed at JJ….to look after the angel…to be with the angel…to keep the angel happy…to keep the angel’s dad angel and the mom angel and the sis angel happy…and I lived….I lived and I lived…at JJ….

I called my guardian angel…. “angel!!! I am stuck here….Can you…p…l…e…a…s…e…?” but before I could complete, the angel had already put out the order “You know not to expect anything? Then why call me up and disturb?”….and there it went total silence….and I just took the phone from my ears and looked at it…..looked at it….and again looked it….I didn’t know what to look at…my ears echoed with my guardian angel's words...expectations...my eyes were filled….but I bit my lips...I didn’t want to cry right in the middle of the road in this late night…but I cried…slowly…silently….hot tears flowing down my cheeks….and I wiped my eyes with my shawl….and I blowed my nose in my shawl…what it mattered now….if my guardian angel didn’t want me….

And there I stood…people on the streets reduced…the stares increased…people started noticing me….this girl in a cream purdah with a cream shawl….with red eyes….looking for help…silently looking for help…praying to The Almighty for help…for the divine help….and I stood….waiting…waiting…till as an answer to my prayers….right from Heaven….The Almighty put a mini bus right in front of my feet with the conductor calling out kavu kavu….and I knew I have heard that name somewhere…my sixth sense told me that its somewhere near the JJ…..Oh!! The JJ….

And I climbed in….gave him a full ten rupees note…and I stood…silently praying for help…and I asked whether it goes near IMS with the conductor giving me a surprised look and saying a big no…and I stood not knowing what to do….the bus moved on…in high speed….honking at others buses….with autos moving out from our way….and the bus moved on through a very familiar road….and I climbed down….and there I was at the Junction….with not a man around….not even a stray dog….nothing….just me and the darkness….with some lights from somewhere….the divine light….from heaven….it was a full moon night….

And I heard a motor cycle coming….and I knew it wasn’t safe waiting there in the night waiting….and I ran….to realize that the motor cycle was coming from the same place where I had to reach….but it didn’t bother….they just went…maybe they didn’t even notice me….but maybe they noticed and they were wondering what this girl of JJ were doing there at this late hour….and I ran….I ran….to meet a drunkard on the way….with his hands swinging…with him uttering something that I didn’t understand….and I ran and I ran….not stopping anywhere….not looking anywhere..with just the moonlight to show me the way…oh the full moonlight..and I reached JJ….the JJ….finally the JJ…and I ran over the stairs…climbing two at times….and panting….and opening the door….going in…running again now to the bathroom….

I cried…and I cried….this time no silent tears….it was a wail…a weep…a cry…total outburst….and I took a bath….tried making something to eat….but I didn’t want anything….why should I eat if my guardian angel didn’t want me…..and I cried and I cried….waiting…wanting…waiting…wanting….

Here I am now….out of JJ…free from the guardian angel….the devil….the devilish angel….and I see the angel in a black land cruiser after a similar community meeting….waiting for his other devilish angels…and I wonder….my thoughts going back to JJ….thinking over….where it went wrong that the angel couldn’t pick me up in the dead night….the angel….the devil….created from fire….the angel….the devil….all hard in….too soft out….the angel of JJ….the devil of JJ….

And it goes on…the angel…the devil…the memories…the nightmares…

when things go wrong....

When things go wrong as they sometimes will, 
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill, 
When the funds are low and the debts are high, 
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, 
When care is pressing you down a bit, 
Rest if you must, but don't you quit. 


Life is queer with its twists and turns, 
As every one of us sometimes learns, 
And many a failure turns about, 
When he might have won had he stuck it out. 
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow, 


Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, 
And you never can tell how close you are,
 It may be near when it seems so far; 
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
-It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. 
(Unknown)


(i love this.... thought i wil share with all in my blog...tc)

the toughest phase of my life

When I was growing up I have heard and read a lot about divorce, the reasons, the causes, the after effects and what each religion told about it. But never did I know or feel or expect that I would have to go through the trauma of divorce in my own life. It was different. It was difficult. It was cruel. It was not as I read in the books or novels or as in movies. It was a terrible hell. Then those who are totally against divorce or those who were and who are against me for filing a divorce might ask me, “then why did you bother? You could have just went on with it!”

 

Hhhmm I know. Its not just one reason or two reasons that a marriage ends up in a divorce. It’s a whole lot of reasons. Whole lot of them. Some of which can only be felt but not explained. Some of which could be explained but not understood. Some of which could be understood but might feel far off from the reality.

 

Going through it personally and reading about it is different. Totally different.

 

It is different and difficult.

 

So in this difficult phase of our life what do we do?

 

You know, when I started considering about divorce, in the beginning I wasn’t even sure about it. Not at all. And I never filed it because I wasn’t sure. Then came a time, when I knew “That’s it! Nothing more nothing less! No more compromises and no more adjustments! No more of it!!!” And I felt strong within. And I knew, knew it deep inside my heart that “Yes! I am not doing anything wrong. Its for the benefit of not just me but also for my ex-husband. We couldn’t just go on like this spoiling each other’s life and happiness!”

 

But even after the decision was made, I used to be sad and unhappy. Depressed might be the right word. It was tough. It was really tough. Especially meeting people and when they ask me questions about my marriage (because they didn’t know the recent developments) it used to tear my hearts apart. At times, I just smiled never actually answered their questions and acted busy and quickly moved away. And sometimes, I just bluntly said, I got divorced and I had to see their face with a big O. But then I couldn’t help it. I didn’t know what else to do.

 

There were times when I remember something from my marriage, maybe when I hear a song or when I read something or when I am watching something on TV, something that brings some quick bitter sweet memories and I just didn’t know. Didn’t know what used to go on inside me. That was when I googled on divorce and read a lot of self-help websites. And when I read, I felt at peace. Because whoever got divorced or where in the process of divorce – they all went through the same. Reading it, I felt a lot better. I was happy knowing that there is nothing wrong with me. Grace to God Almighty.

 

There were a few things which helped me move on, which made me feel better during this trauma. The first one being prayers. Seond one being prayers. And third one being prayers. It was nothing else but prayers that helped me cope up with the trauma. Peace of mind lies only in the remembrance of Allah is what my Islamic teacher taught me. And it is true. Each time I prayed, each time I thanked God, I used to feel better. As if some inner light is coming onto me wiping away all my worries and anxieties and filling me up with peace and lots of peace. Once I told my mom, that in a way, I am happy that I am made to go through all this, because I got closer to Allah – my Creator. Got really close to God and my faith in God tremendously increased. Grace to God!

 

Let me share some other tips which helped me move on and which might help others too who are going through a similar trauma. First, cry it out. Believe me it helps. Lock your room and switch off your lights and bury your head in the pillow and cry it out. You would feel a lot better. Try and find a good listener. You really need to talk it out. Call up or meet up with your real good friends. Out here, speak to them. Don’t worry that they would be bored. Nope, they wont be. I am sure even they want to help. Tell them what you are feeling. Your insecurities and your anxities. You know maybe they would just listen silently and give you all the support or might crack some stupid jokes and put a smile on your face. Whatever it is, it would help. I assure you. Don’t bottle up things inside for long. It’s bad for your body, mind and soul.

 

And you know you would feel a lot better if you write it out. Its okay if you are not a regular diary writer. You could just write whatever you feel in a paper and just throw it off. Believe me it helps.

 

And if possible avoid thinking of revenge. J Believe me it sounds good? Doesn’t it? Beating up or putting up a nuclear bomb on those who have hurt you? Right? But whats the whole point? Nothing at all. So forget completely about revenge and move on. It takes two people to make a marriage and also two people to break a marriage. Maybe it was all our spouse’s mistake. But there would have been some faults and mistakes on our side too. Rethink about it. Analyze and reanalyze what went wrong and why and what was your share in it so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes again, the next time.

 

And I would like to add that, during our marriage, we are forced to forget our minor and major happiness, dreams and ambitions. There would be lots of things which you were not able to do during your marriage. So now, that it is over, try and concentrate on those areas. Maybe gardening, reading books, taking a vacation, meeting up with old friends and etc etc. Choices are many. It all depends on what exactly you want.

 

If possible, start working. Its always better to be financially secure always in life till death. So, you can start working. Enjoy little pleasures with your own money and save up for your future too. You don’t necessarily have to be an alpha female. But doing a job always helps. You meet up with new people at your workplace and atleast from 9 to 5 you are so busy with your work that you don’t get time to simply cry and crib about your past, present and future.

 

And remember one thing. Staying away from people would always sound as the best way out of the mess. But no, its not true. It would only make you more miserable. Get out and socialize. Go to your mosque or church or temple service. Go out and meet your friends. Your relatives. Your parents. Your siblings. It all helps. You know, when my lil nephew is around, I feel really refreshed playing with him. I kinda forget everything. And it rejuvenates me.

 

Another thing that I would like to say don’t worry too much about the future. About the tomorrows. Leave it aside. Tomorrow will come for sure. But believe that God will give you the best. As they say, whatever happened is for good, whatever is happening is for good, and whatever will happen is for good. Believe in yourself and believe in God. Maybe God wants you to meet a few wrong people so that you are grateful when you get the best. My friend told that to me. And I felt a lot better hearing that. Maybe that is the reason.

 

And I would like to add one more thing here, don’t worry about what people are saying. Like an old Hindi song, logon kee baath tho chodo, logon ka qaam he kehna… (Leave what people are saying, because it’s their job to talk)…. So don’t worry… leave it all aside. It would all subside down.

 

Have faith in the Almighty and cheer up. God will give us the best always.