There I am…back at JJ…thoughts going back to JJ….trying to break free from JJ….trying to move away from JJ…

It was a moonlit night….all I remember is myself panting…running…breathing hard…climbing the steps of JJ….and opening the door and running to the bathroom…I didn’t know what to do….pee…puke…or just not do anything…or do everything in one go…

Memories…some cherished…some haunted…some coming back often when you don’t want them to…
The recent one was when I saw the land cruiser…the black cruiser….and it simply drifted back to JJ…something that I have been trying to shut out…so that it doesn’t catch me…so that it doesn’t come back to haunt me day and night….

I remember it clearly…as if it had happened just yesterday night…where I had gone for a community gathering….and I enjoyed it so much that I didn’t know how fast the clock ticked….it was better there than the life at JJ….but when the community meeting got over there I stood…suddenly realizing that the sun has said goodbye and gone to rest….and there I was all alone to face the life at JJ….and I went out slowly…or quickly I don’t know…but I went….and went outside to the bus stop….no, not to catch thee bus….I was new to the city….new to the life of JJ….so I didn’t know which bus to take and which not to take….so I waited for the auto….but I was stuck….no autos came….if at all it came it was full of ladies and kids and men going off quickly to get back home before the moon came out….and I stood there all alone….silently praying for the auto to arrive….and I stood and I stood in those lonely hours of night….

There were people still loitering around…some staring at me…some walking by not even noticing me….this poor soul of JJ….and there I was…all scared…but standing bold….as if I have nothing to fear….but I had to get back to JJ….the JJ….and I stood again…waiting….that night just to test my luck a political meeting was also going on….and so the auto stand had no autos as the meeting was going on near that auto stand….and there I stood again….to get back to JJ….

The meeting had got over by thirty minutes past six….and there I stood till thirty minutes past eight….two hours all alone in the dark to get back to JJ….the not so good JJ….and I stood and I stood…finally when I realized that I must move on from there, I called my guardian angel….the devilish angel….but the guardian angel in front of all….but the devil…the devil as an angel…the devil the devil the devil….no my guardian angel…the guardian angel for whom I had stayed at JJ….to look after the angel…to be with the angel…to keep the angel happy…to keep the angel’s dad angel and the mom angel and the sis angel happy…and I lived….I lived and I lived…at JJ….

I called my guardian angel…. “angel!!! I am stuck here….Can you…p…l…e…a…s…e…?” but before I could complete, the angel had already put out the order “You know not to expect anything? Then why call me up and disturb?”….and there it went total silence….and I just took the phone from my ears and looked at it…..looked at it….and again looked it….I didn’t know what to look at…my ears echoed with my guardian angel's words...expectations...my eyes were filled….but I bit my lips...I didn’t want to cry right in the middle of the road in this late night…but I cried…slowly…silently….hot tears flowing down my cheeks….and I wiped my eyes with my shawl….and I blowed my nose in my shawl…what it mattered now….if my guardian angel didn’t want me….

And there I stood…people on the streets reduced…the stares increased…people started noticing me….this girl in a cream purdah with a cream shawl….with red eyes….looking for help…silently looking for help…praying to The Almighty for help…for the divine help….and I stood….waiting…waiting…till as an answer to my prayers….right from Heaven….The Almighty put a mini bus right in front of my feet with the conductor calling out kavu kavu….and I knew I have heard that name somewhere…my sixth sense told me that its somewhere near the JJ…..Oh!! The JJ….

And I climbed in….gave him a full ten rupees note…and I stood…silently praying for help…and I asked whether it goes near IMS with the conductor giving me a surprised look and saying a big no…and I stood not knowing what to do….the bus moved on…in high speed….honking at others buses….with autos moving out from our way….and the bus moved on through a very familiar road….and I climbed down….and there I was at the Junction….with not a man around….not even a stray dog….nothing….just me and the darkness….with some lights from somewhere….the divine light….from heaven….it was a full moon night….

And I heard a motor cycle coming….and I knew it wasn’t safe waiting there in the night waiting….and I ran….to realize that the motor cycle was coming from the same place where I had to reach….but it didn’t bother….they just went…maybe they didn’t even notice me….but maybe they noticed and they were wondering what this girl of JJ were doing there at this late hour….and I ran….I ran….to meet a drunkard on the way….with his hands swinging…with him uttering something that I didn’t understand….and I ran and I ran….not stopping anywhere….not looking anywhere..with just the moonlight to show me the way…oh the full moonlight..and I reached JJ….the JJ….finally the JJ…and I ran over the stairs…climbing two at times….and panting….and opening the door….going in…running again now to the bathroom….

I cried…and I cried….this time no silent tears….it was a wail…a weep…a cry…total outburst….and I took a bath….tried making something to eat….but I didn’t want anything….why should I eat if my guardian angel didn’t want me…..and I cried and I cried….waiting…wanting…waiting…wanting….

Here I am now….out of JJ…free from the guardian angel….the devil….the devilish angel….and I see the angel in a black land cruiser after a similar community meeting….waiting for his other devilish angels…and I wonder….my thoughts going back to JJ….thinking over….where it went wrong that the angel couldn’t pick me up in the dead night….the angel….the devil….created from fire….the angel….the devil….all hard in….too soft out….the angel of JJ….the devil of JJ….

And it goes on…the angel…the devil…the memories…the nightmares…